May 31, 2013

#BedtimeStory with a Princess

Once upon a time...

A lovely princess with long golden hair arrived in Twitterville. She didn't ride a magnificent white horse with a flaxen mane, nor was she seated in a carriage accompanied by a dozen uniformed palace guards.

Princess Mya arrived on foot.

Earlier in the day she had been in the garden with her cat, @ItsMeDeaner -- Deanie for short -- when a terrible storm suddenly erupted. With thunder booming and lightening flashing, and rain pouring down in torrents, Deanie disappeared under the hedge. Frantic to find her favorite cat, Princess Mya went after him.

But she couldn't find him anywhere! She looked behind trees. She looked under rocks. She looked inside a shoe lying on the side of the road. "Why is it always just one shoe?" she wondered out loud.

But she couldn't find Deanie anywhere. Determined not to go home without him, Princess Mya walked and walked and walked until she found herself in the middle of Tweet Square.

"Hello," she said to @TheWonderCats, who were huddled under an umbrella with Simon clutching a pizza box in his paws. "That smells really good."

"Best pizza with anchovies in Twitterville," said Samson.

"I'm so hungry," said Mya. "Would you give me a slice to eat?"

The Wonders put their paws protectively on their pizza.   "Why would we share a slice with a stranger?" asked Solomon.

After Ex-Mayor Twitmo closed the restaurants and made everyone starvy (until @Chef_Gidget saved the day with her Extra Orangey Bouncy Ball Soup) Anipal's had become stingy about sharing their food noms.

"I'm not a stranger. I'm Princess Mya!"

@TheWonderCats stared at her from head to toe. Then they laughed and laughed, and were still laughing as they walked away with their precious pizza.

"Well!" said Princess Mya. "That was rude."

Then she smelled tuna fish. With her stomach growly, she followed her nose to where @CasperTheKat sat at an umbrella table outside #AthenasDiner eating a tuna on rye with mayo, pickles and bits of tomato.

"That smells so good," she told him. "May I have a bite?"

With mayo on his nose, and bits of tuna flecked on his whiskers, Casper stared at her. "Why would I give a stranger a bite?"

"I am not a stranger! I am Princess Mya! Why does no one recognize that I am a princess?"

Casper reached deep into his pocket and pulled out a mirror so Mya could see her hair was drenched and so was her pretty pink princess dress. In fact, she could feel water dripping down her back into her socks and shoes. She looked very un-princess-like even to her own reflection.

"But I am a princess," she said, with teary eyes.

Casper finished the last bite and licked his paws. "That's what they all say."

And so it went for poor Princess Mya, turned away time and again, not only for bites of tuna on rye, or pizza with anchovies, but also for a place to sleep that was dry and warm.

"This is so unfair!" Mya said to no one in particular. "I am so a princess. Why won't anyone believe me?"

"Do you have proof?" asked @RoniTheBrat, who had just finished a meatball sub with banana peppers and a diet Dr. Pepper.

"What kind of proof?" Mya wondered. "I'm too young to drive a car, so I don't have a driver's license. Plus, I would never drive myself anywhere anyway because I'm a princess and I have palace minions drive me everywhere I want to go."

"She sounds like a princess," said @GibsonTheKitty.

Roni burped indelicately. "She sounds like most wimmen."

After swatting Roni with her paw, Gibson said to Mya, "Come with me, missy. I know of a way to prove whether or not you are a princess."

@GibsonTheKitty lead the way to her home, with Roni, Casper and the Wonders following. "I don't think I should have to prove that I'm a princess," said Mya, "but if you will feed me, I will answer royal questions to prove I am indeed a princess."

Gibson pulled a fresh batch of Pronto Pups out of her cupboard and set the table with mustard, pickles and a bag of Cheetos, along with a pitcher of milk. "Answering royal questions won't be necessary," she said mysteriously. "Now eat your Pups. I will be right back to show you to your room."

Gibson pocketed a pouch of Temptations, then left Roni, Capser and The Wonders staring at Princess Mya eating her Pronto Pup, smeared with mustard, along with a handful of Cheetos on her plate.

"I lost my cat, Deanie," she said to them to break the silence. "I don't suppose you've seen him?"

"Siamese-Tabby?" asked Casper.

"With crossy-blue eyes?" asked Roni.

"And a mustache?" asked The Wonders.

"Yes! Yes!" said Mya happily. "Have you seen him?"

The cats shook their heads. "Nope."

"Okay, missy," said @GibsonTheKitty from the door. "I have your bed ready. Follow me."

Mya, Roni, Casper, Simon, Samson and Solomon all followed Gibson to a back room where there was a bed piled high to the ceiling with at least twenty Tempurr-Pedic mattresses.

"Up you go," said Gibson, and gave Mya a paw-up to the very top. "I will come for you in the morning. Sweet dreams, missy. "

In the morning Gibson asked Mya how she had slept. 

"Very badly!" said Mya. "I couldn't sleep. I was lying on something so hard, that I am black and blue all over my body."

When she showed Gibson her bruises, Gibson said to Roni, Casper and The Wonders, "She's a true princess."

"How can you tell?" asked Casper.

Gibson reached under the first mattress and pulled out a single Temptation treat. "Princess Mya felt the treat through twenty Tempurr-Pedic mattresses. Nobody but a real princess could be as sensitive as that."

Realizing they had been rude to a royal princess, @RoniTheBrat, @CasperTheKat and @TheWonderCats all bowed low with humble apology, which Princess Mya accepted because she was a sweet girl with lovely golden hair.

She never did find her cat, Deanie.



 Thank you for reading tonight's #BedtimeStory. If you would like to read my mewsletter, please sign up at the top of the right column.

I also thank you for coming to Belle's and my MysteryAdventure pawty with the hashtag #BelleHerm. We trended #1! I'm so proud!

Thank you Cori Stanley and @Rockstarwalrus for prize donations. You are wonderpurr friends. The prizes were awarded to @TweetingTruman for putting Valium in the baby bottle to make Giant Joann go to sleep. To @PillsterCat for offering a plunger to silence Giant Joann's cries. And to @GibsonVanKitty for staying behind to "guard" the pawty food from raccoons.

Thank you everyone for coming to #BelleHerm pawty and also for reading #BedtimeStory. And for following me.

Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, and haz a Happily Ever After evening!
Herman!!!

May 30, 2013

#BedtimeStory with Skunks


Once Upon A Time…

There lived a family of skunks in a hollow tree: Mamastinck, Papastinck, and their twins, Enderstinck, called ‘En’ for short, and Ouderstinck, called Ouderstinck for short. (The name really doesn’t lend to shortening, unfortunately.)

From birth the twins were polar opposites. En enjoyed working dirty jobs like crocodile wrestling, wild goose chasing, and geoduck farming, while Ouderstinck pursued a more refined line of work using toothpicks to craft teeny tiny Viking dragon boats inside empty maple syrup bottles acquired from Cracker Barrel.

They were so opposite, that whenever En went out, Ouderstinck came in. And whenever Ouderstinck went out, En came in. And if Ouderstinck happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would wait until En came in before he went Oud. I mean, out.

One day a huge storm blew in unexpectedly. With the wind whipping leaves from trees, and dark skies grumbling like a hungry old bear, Mamastinck and Papastinck wanted their twins safe before Mother Nature went all hormonal on them. First they checked to see whether En was in and Ouderstinck was out, or if Ouderstinck was in and En was out.

They were relieved to see Ouderstinck building his thirteenth-hundred Viking dragon boat in a maple syrup bottle, but his twin was nowhere to be found. “Ouderstinck,” said Mamastinck, “please go out and bring En inside. I'm worried the storm will blow him away."

“Sure, Mamastinck." Ouderstinck put aside his toothpicks and left the hollow tree.

“I believe this is the very first time Ouderstinck and En were out at the same time,” said Papastinck, adjusting the dials on his storm radio.

Busy replenishing their Storm Closet First Aid Kit with aspirin, eyewash, toothpaste and laxatives, Mamastinck murmured, “Yes, dear.” She had been married long enough to know whatever he had to say wasn’t all that important anyway.

A minute or two later Ouderstinck came back in, and En was right behind him.

“Lookit, Mamastinck,” said Papastinck. “For the first time En and Ouderstinck are in at the same time.”

With her hands full of suppositories, sterile gloves, chewing gum and bleach, Mamastinck asked with clear amazement, "Ouderstinck! How did you find your brother so quickly?"

"Oh, it was easy," said Ouderstinck. "En stinked!"

What?

Don’t get it?

Instinct!

Okay. Now you may groan.



Thank you for reading another #BedtimeStory. I hope you enjoyed it.  If you would like to receive your #BedtimeStory in your mailbox, please sign up for Email delivery, or GooglePlus, or even Follow Me (hint hint) on either NetworkedBlogs or as a Google follower.

Tomorrow at 3 pm. EST you are invited to attend the Bachelor/Hen pawty Belle @Frankencat1 and I are hosting. (We are getting married June 22nd) Instead of pawsents and norty strippers, we are throwing a Mystery Adventure pawty. Dress comfy casual and bring your claws. You will need them. (Prosthetics will be available for those who have been declawed.) This is the link to twtvite, so if you need more information, please click here. #BelleHerm.

Starting in June, I will publish my very own  monthly mewsletter called kick the litter. It will be fun-packed with stuff about my private life, my career as a mews to my author mom, and stories from my past adventures in Kentucky and Pensacola. It also might have stuff about rescuing and raccoons since my mom likes to channel her inner Elly Mae and has a whole bunch of critters camping in our yard.
 
Anyway! Sign up for my mewsletter on the right, and for your trouble I will send you the first chapter of my forthcoming book called You Can't Be A Sidekick Without A Superhero, written by my mom, Kimberley Koz.

Also...if you haven't done so already, follow me Herman!!!
@TattleCat and my sisfur @Chef_Gidget on Twitter. And I haz my own Facebook Page as Herman.Tattlecat.
Goodnight, Sweet Dreams, and haz a Happily Ever After evening!
Herman!!!

Squeaky & Elvis on Oklahoma Tornado Animal Survivors

Our random thoughts are usually light hearted and funny, but this week we wanted to talk about the May tornado animal victims & survivors here in Oklahoma. Our paws may not allow us to be much help in the clean up, but our paws are capable of spending money. We wanted to list places our friends & #WLF comrades may donate to help the cause. How cool would it be to have the people of Oklahoma see donations from all over the world that come from our #WLF comrades.
 
The lovely Annabelle Essert @rainbowcatsx8  made a donation in our sissy's, Millie Miss Tidy Glo's honor to The Animal Rescue Center Inc center https://www.facebook.com/#!/animalresource
 
Thank you and High Paws! (By the way, did you see her picture? Can we say Meow pretty lady!)
 
If you want to send supplies to the Animal Rescue, here is a list of things they need:
towels, bedding (for crates), latex gloves, paper towels, trash bags, dog treats (sure they meant to include cat treats also), white copy paper, spiral notebooks, crates medium & large, hand sanitizer, food bowls & flea & tick meds. Sadly, items for horses are not needed...most of them went to OTRB.
 
We don't want to forget about their human parents. Here are sites for their donations.
 
Moore & Shawnee Tornado relief fund: www.tulsacf.org. Mail: TCF offices 7030 S Yale Suite 600 Tulsa, OK 74136
 
Red Cross  www.redcross.org/okc or www.redcross.org or texting REDCROSS to 90999 to make $10 donation
 
Salvation Army Text "storm" to 80888 to make $10 donation
 
United Way of Central Oklahoma Disaster Relief Fund is open. www.unitedwayokc.org. or United Way of Cental Oklahoma PO Box 837 Oklahoma City, OK  73101 with notation for May tornado relief.
 
 
BGCO Disaster Relief http://www.okdisasterhelp.com
 
Infant Crisis Center http://www.infantcrisis.org/
 
The new crews may have left, but the clean up & healing continue on without them. Please send only what you feel you can provide.  If you want to send items directly to us, our address is
 
Squeaky & Elvis
510 Prairie Hawk Lane
Blanchard, OK 73010
 
Yours truly
Squeaky & Elvis
 

May 29, 2013

Bedtime Story with Soup

Once Upon A Time...


@Chef_Gidget was on her way to visit another World Wonder when she started to get hungry and decided to stop in Twitterville for a meal.  In the mood for Chiken Ka-Bobs and a Bacon Beer, she went to #NipClub, but found their doors locked with a sign that read: Closed Until Further Notice by order of Mayor Twitmo.

"Hm. They must have had one heckuva pawty last night," she said to herself. Then she went to #AthenasDiner where @AthenaCatGoddes served the freshest fish in town, but Athena was also closed by Mayor Twitmo. "What the Friskies!" Gidget gasped.

"Mayor Twitmo closed #BrekkieClub too," said @SkeeterTheTabby from behind her.

Gidget just stared at him with her mouth open. Not her best look, but she was stunned. "Why?"

Skeeter shrugged. "We think its a control thing. You know how Twitmo shuts us down when we are having too much fun at pawties. There we are, purring and barking and ... whatever sound bunnies make... and BAM! He says we can't tweet no more."

Gidget had jumped a foot when Skeeter yelled BAM! That's why she refused to follow @Emeril Lagasse even though she was a renown chef herself.  "There has to be something we can do. Do Anipals have a lawyer? Did @NerissaTheCat publish a BREAKING NEWS piece? Did @TheMooshies report this in The Mooshie Chronicles?

The way Skeeter covered his eyes with his paws sent chills up Gidget's spine. "All reporters and mewspapers have been closed by Mayor Twitmo, too. Kirsten @bdgrlaw is working on it, but until its all sorted out, we are starving!"

May 28, 2013

A Bedtime Story on a Train


Once Upon A Time...

An average-looking man named Steve and an incredibly gorgeous woman named Cori discovered a mistake had been made when they boarded a trans-continental train. Despite not being married, nor had they ever met before, they had been assigned to the same sleeper room.

Now Steve wasn't about to complain. I mean, he was average-looking so he thought sharing close quarters with the incredibly gorgeous Cori would be something to write about in his diary. His life was pretty dull, and usually he had to make stuff up in order to fill the diary pages.

Cori, however, was horrified. This was to be her first vacation without her whiney, needy, weenie of a husband. For fifteen years she waited on him hand and foot, giving him the best years of her life, but he never seemed satisfied. Finally, she'd had enough. She got a head-to-toe makeover, gave the weenie his walking papers, and was now taking her first vacation as a Free Woman!

However, she was exhausted and Average Steve looked harmless enough, so she figured she would allow him to stay just one night, and then would make him sleep in the dining car the next. Soon they fell asleep, Steve in the upper berth and Cori in the lower.

However around 1:00 AM, Steve woke Cori by saying, ‘I’m sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? My feet are freezing. And while you're up, could you get me a glass of water and some aspirin? I have a headache. Oh, and do you have any Chapstick? My lips feel tender. And....'

‘I have a better idea,’ Cori interrupted with a sultry tone of voice. ‘Just for tonight, Steve...let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow!' Steve exclaimed, envisioning several pages in his diary filled with honest-to-goodness real stuff that had happened to him. 'That’s a great idea!’

‘Good,’ she purred. ’Get your own damn blanket.’

Stunned speechless, Steve lay freezing in the dark.  Then he farted.

The End


May 27, 2013

A Bedtime Story with Bears

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl and sees it is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he cries.

Papa Bear then arrives at the breakfast table. After he sits in his big chair he looks into his big bowl, and sees it’s also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “Oh for goodness sake! How many times do we have to go through this?

It was Momma Bear who got up first.

It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Momma Bear who made the coffee.

It was Momma Bear who threw in a load of clothes.

It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold morning to fetch the newspaper.

It was Momma Bear who set the table.

It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish.

And now that you’ve decided to drag your lazy bodies downstairs and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good cuz I’m only going to say this one more time…

I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!”

May 24, 2013

Bedtime Story with Pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘I’ll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!’


Help Keep Lou and Sass Together!

Lou @LiveLoveMeow
Have you ever been totally derailed?

 I mean...there you are, rolling along, making plans for the wonderpurr life you hope to lead when suddenly...BAM! You are hit by a train and run right off your tracks.

Well, that's what recently happened to my friend Lou and his mom, Sass. Things weren't working out for them in Boston, and Sass decided to move them to New Hampshire for a fresh start on a new life, and possibly achieve her dream of opening a Cat Sanctuary.

Then...that train I mentioned ran her over.

Sass writes, I am totally embarrassed.  In a nutshell, Lou and I got screwed.  We were moving house to a new home and job, and in the middle of moving, we found out we had nowhere to go, after all, and the job disappeared, too.

Lou and I are currently stuck in a stinky hotel room with nowhere else to go.  I have no family, or friends, with room for us.

After a lot of thought,  a good deal of a mix of panic and prayer, I have decided to ask for help, rather than have to give Lou up and shut down our business; this came at the request from you, my online pals.

 Lou has been with me since he was 4.5 weeks old, and I really don't want to give him up; although, if I remain homeless, I will have no choice but to do so.  As an older cat now, chances are, he would not be adopted.

I feel that it makes more sense to create a long term solution, and never experience this sort of drama again.  I would like very much to get out of this motel and place Lou and I in a spot, where opportunities abound to create a home base for Lou and I and our business, and therefore not ever have to worry about being homeless again...and, while we're at it, I would love to be able to provide the ultimate in customer service for the customers of Live Love Meow."

If you can spare the price of a Starbuck's grande and donate it instead to Sass and Lou, every dime helps.

This is the Link to their YouCaring.com account: Help Sass and Lou or you could use the widget at the top of the right column. All donations, no matter what size, are needed and sincerely appreciated.

By the way, if you are interested, Sass sells an amazing blanket for pets called the Purrito Wrapper!


Lou models Purrito Wrapper
click on photo for link to website

Sass talks about her invention:

"The Purrito Wrapper is a blanket designed for special needs pets, but truth is, any pet that likes to stay dry, and warm, in a big soft fluffy blanket can use one of these.

Originally thought up for someone whose cat was undergoing chemotherapy, was throwing up frequently and had become incontinent, but still wanted to sleep with his Mom as he always had, the Purrito Wrapper is now available for all.

Good things to know about the Purrito Wrapper:
They are urine and vomit-resistant. If an accident happens, just wipe or shake off the gross material, and toss the blanket in the wash. No staining, no soak through to clothing, furniture, sheets, mattresses, carpets, etc. Which means no clothing or bedding, etc. getting ruined. No odor to continually befoul the house.

They are big enough to use as blankets so you and your cat can snuggle together if you and your cat are into that sort of thing.

They are big enough to be folded into any configuration you or your cat can dream up. Lou, our 15-lb. model, likes it draped around him so that his head sticks out."

So, maybe you could also keep the Purrito Wrapper in mind, for either your pets or a gift for your loved ones.

Have a wonderpurr day, and thanks!
Herman!!!
 




May 10, 2013

Hooman Deformity

I got an earful the other day when I was pretending to sleep...and was actually eavesdropping on a conversation between my pawrents.

I guess this is a good time to say, pals... Sometimes its better not to know things about your pawrents. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Sometimes pals... eavesdropping does not pay.

I mean, how can you un-hear something once you've heard it?

The conversation had something to do with my Mom having a deformity. Mom said maybe she was typing too much. Dad laughed and said, you were born that way!

OMC!

As I understand it, my pawrents got their fingers printed at a police station. I am not sure what that means. My girl, Belle, asked if they'd robbed a convenience store. My bestie Phi tried to Google mug shots but came up empty. My best mancat Niss said to check their ankles for iron shackles. I didn't see any.

Then, while pretending to nap in her loft above the refrigerator, my sisfur Gidget heard Dad say he wanted to get a concealed weapon permit before our government destroys our Second Amendment.

Concealed weapon? Like...claws when we retract them after shredding leather sofa?

Or when old man Buddy has BM? I've heard Mom refer to his poop as a lethal weapon.

I still don't know what weapon...but according to Gidget, when Mom got her fingers printed, the detective said she barely had any fingerprints!

In fact, her application got rejected. So she had to go back for second try. And her fingers were rejected again!

Rejected! A word not appreciated by a writer like my Mom.

So there you have it. My Mom haz a hooman deformity.

I don't really care as long as she doesn't require fingerprints to open cans of toona.

Don't Mess Wif Me!